Love
2024.11.16
Today, I walked from Ivisan — a spot on the map that might not look far, but I promise you, it is. I’m in Kulasi now, staying at a place called Marama Beach Resort. The people here are very kind, and despite the lack of AC in the room, I feel happy. It’s a simple cottage with an electric fan and a squatter toilet. No toilet paper, no towels, no flush — but these are things I need to get used to.
I walked nearly 30 kilometers today, and let me tell you, I don’t think my body was ready for it. Maybe it’s because I added oil paints to my bag, or perhaps it was the hills I had to climb towards the end. Or maybe it’s because I pushed myself, knowing I need a good pace tomorrow. I’m heading to New Washington, and once I cross the ferry, I’ll look for a place to stay.
But this isn’t just about my adventures, even though it’s been fun and painful. It’s about love. I am in love — not the logical kind of love I sometimes trick myself into believing, but the kind that sees the true other, your true other. My partner is in Canada, waiting for me.
We don’t have much in common. She’s not as adventurous as I am and prefers to take it easy. It’s not that she doesn’t work hard — she’s one of the hardest workers I know, which is probably why she needs to rest. I’ve always told myself I wanted someone who shares my hobbies, who can go on adventures with me, run with me, even put up with my snoring. Over the ten years we’ve been together, I’ve found reasons to doubt if she’s the right one for me, and I’ve been honest with her about my hesitations when it comes to marriage.
But today, I felt love deeply. This usually happens when I’m running or doing something physically strenuous. Maybe I’m feeling a deep love for everyone right now, but I don’t think that’s entirely true. I feel it most for the people closest to me. When I imagine my future, I think of her, not so much my parents, because one day they’ll be gone and I’ll need to start my own family. As I walked, and as I reflected afterward, I realized how special she is to me, how I will never leave her, and how I know she’ll never leave me. Her love feels like a mother’s love — unconditional and without demands. She just wants love in return.
Sometimes, when I share my doubts, she says, “I’m giving you my whole life, my body, and soul. What more do you want?” She says it half-jokingly, but it’s true. She gives me everything: her attention, her love, her time, her worry, her heart. I feel it, even when I’m trying to focus on other things, like the meaning of life. When I think of that, it’s her who pops up.
We argue a lot. We have different viewpoints on many things, maybe even things we should agree on. But love isn’t about reasoning. It doesn’t say, “We don’t have the same hobbies, so I’ll look elsewhere.” That’s not what love is. That might be how you find friends or companionship, but it’s not how you find love.
In high school, during the peak of my hormonal years, I was crazy over my girlfriend. I sacrificed so much that, looking back, I almost regret it. But those sacrifices, and hers for me, made our love bloom. I’ve been thinking that maybe right now, I love her more than I ever have. My love for her goes beyond her looks, her skills, or her physical abilities. It feels like a mother’s love — I just want her to be happy and successful. I want so badly to be beside her, and for her to be beside me.
In times of need, maybe our soul reaches out for love because it knows it’s what can get us through. Perhaps that’s why, during physically strenuous moments, I turn my thoughts to her and her unwavering love for me. I return to my logical brain and it doesn’t seem foolish, but for all its reasoning, it never accounted for the fact that love is beyond logic. It’s beyond thinking. It’s just feeling.
And I feel lucky. I feel lucky to have fallen head over heels for my partner. I feel lucky that she has stood by me through all the problems I’ve caused in this relationship. As I sit here in this nipa hut in the Philippines, on a journey I’m not fully prepared for, I feel lucky that she’s willing to wait for me and care for me. Part of me is disappointed that it’s taken this long to realize how much she means to me, but another part of me is excited to tell her just how deeply I love her.
I want to tell her that I won’t hesitate anymore. I want to tell her that I, too, give her my whole life and spirit. We are now a family.
