Walking Panay: A Start

So I’ve been thinking about this journey now for a few months. Since July, I would say. I had this idea that I wanted an adventure, and I also needed to process a lot of the stuff in my life. Currently, I am on a sabbatical, and I have filled the time with some travels, a lot of hobbies, and a lot of time with family and friends. And while all this is important, it felt lacking.

My boss, once he gave me permission to go on sabbatical, the last thing he said to me was, “Make sure you do some good stuff, too. You know what I’m talking about.” Obviously, it can be interpreted in a couple of different ways, but I think what he meant was, do the work. Do the work that you wanted to do by taking this time off. And that really was to reflect on the loss of my sister. It really does take some time to process these things.

I read in a book about the Holocaust that, surprisingly, after the Holocaust, there weren’t many books from Jews who suffered through it initially. There was so much trauma to process; it was so real that writing about it seemed unfitting. To think about everything you’ve gone through and put it down into words is to create a layer of separation from the experience itself. Although it can be freeing to have that separation, it’s also traumatic to relive it all again in your mind. At the same time, you are somewhat objectifying your own experience — taking something deeply personal and turning it into an external piece of work.

For me now, it has been almost six years since my sister passed. I still deal with her loss every day in momentous ways, not just in the little things. Her loss affects me profoundly. I am still very much displaced from where I should be — displaced from where I had hoped to be. And I will forever be displaced. But there is so much to process, not just about the death, but also about where I plan to go next in my life. Once you bear witness to the injustice, the fragility of life, and see everything you cared for crash and burn, treated with such disrespect and disregard, you begin to question what you were trying to build toward.

And that’s where I am now — this walk. I’ve decided to do this walk as a way of reflecting, to reflect on all that has happened to me and to my sister as much as I can. Many people, including my parents, might say, “You can do that reflection here at home in Toronto.” But in truth, I don’t think I can. I think I need to be away from home and walking — to be mildly uncomfortable with the state of my body so that it matches the state of my mind, yet still be walking toward somewhere, even if I’m not sure of the destination. That’s a metaphor for all our lives. And when our whole being is in tune with that metaphor, that’s when I believe my thoughts about life and death can come forth.

Walking serves many purposes. Psychologically, it is beneficial for processing emotions, thoughts, and traumas. In fact, it’s actually how EMDR was founded. Francine Shapiro, in the late 1980s, was out for a walk when she noticed a sense of calm within her mind. Upon further analysis, she realized it was because her eyes were darting towards the peripheries. She wondered if this had something to do with her untangling of stress. After many studies, it was confirmed that this mimicking of what our eyes do during REM sleep (rapid eye movement) helps in processing emotions. That’s what EMDR is — through taps or cues, our eyes move, and we process our emotions. Walking is just a natural form of this. I don’t need to go to EMDR therapy; my whole day is EMDR therapy.

Philosophically, walking has been used by many thinkers to break down barriers in their own minds. Nietzsche did this. Henry David Thoreau also did this, saying it was a form of resistance against societal oppression. By engaging in this absurd process of walking, we can tune into our deeper selves. Psychological studies support this — through walking, we engage both our left and right hemispheres, allowing breakthroughs to be achieved.

Can’t I just walk anywhere? Can’t I just walk around my town in Toronto? Yes, I can. But I wanted an adventure, something with deeper meaning for me. Even if I don’t make the breakthroughs I hope to gain, being in touch with my Filipino culture by walking around Panay Island and exploring it on foot makes it time well spent.

Interestingly, this trip didn’t start off as a walk in my mind. Back in February, when I was here, I thought, I want to learn how to motorcycle and ride around the island. But I didn’t take up motorcycle lessons because I didn’t feel like riding in Toronto. Later, I thought maybe I’d bike around the island. But even with that, I felt like I’d be going too fast. Some people do it in six days. Naturally, I arrived at the idea of walking. This made more sense because I could actually engage with locals, connect with my culture, and appreciate the beauty along the shore.

The journey really began months ago in my head. But tomorrow is when it starts for real. I hope to wake up around 5:30 a.m., skip breakfast, and be on my way. I think I’ll find a place to stay in Ivisan, but if not, I have a tent. In fact, I’m looking forward to possibly using it. If I end up in little hotels, that will do as well.

I’m looking forward to the people I’ll meet, the memories I’ll make, the stories that will unfold, the photos I’ll take, and the thoughts I’ll think. This journey is about diving deeper into what it means to be me — a human being in the wake of absurdity.